Yesterday I had HUGE stress in getting my computer reset. I have a magnet attraction for conmen and between the tech taking my computer and returning my computer I was in a state of heightened emotion wondering whether I would ever see my "very best friend" (my computer) again. The tech kept trying to upsell me and I kept standing my ground that I just wanted a reset ONLY. He ended up doing a great job, but that emotional elevation remained as I continued to reinstall programs and change settings to get "my baby" back to the computer I have known and loved for so long. Yeah, it's old but it does the job. When I found that it costs close on $900 to repurchase just one package that I didn't want to reinstall just incase it was corrupt (it had been there for 5 years), I had to pick my chin up off the ground. Ouch! But I am resourceful and have already come up with some much better options. My audio drivers are still not working though and I am having Adele withdrawals .

Earlier today I caught up with my friend from 2000 kms away today. We conflict on some fundamental things so it was tricky to keep the convo in safe areas. Just the stress made me a bit hypomanic.

I'm also starting a new course at the place where I had that terrible incident back in May so there is some PTSD going on too. But it will be good for me to confront my fears for a couple of hours a week and get out of the house (if I last in the group eeek). I have my induction interview at 8.30am and then the group starts at 9.30am. I have to get my bloods done for Lithium levels at 9.15 and lucky the pathology isn't to far away from the centre that the course it at. The Manager of the Centre is actually running this course so we know each other quite well from walking through the fallout of the incident in May. So what other delightful stress am I putting on myself in my hypomania? Well I've gone to the apex of stress and are dealing with changing telcos for my internet, home phone and mobile - changing carriers for all services... I don't need enemies- I make enough torture sessions for myself lol.

Will let you know how my induction session and course go tomorrow - its a big deal for this little scaredy cat!

I'm feeling a bit bored. Bored can be a predecessor to a worsening of the depression. I just took some additional a/d's to restore it to the dose that brought me out of my last major low. I had lowered it to try to find a more "maintenance" dose. Obviously reducing it by the 6.25mg didn't work; so now I know my Agomelatine dose needs to be at 37.5mg. I would love to lower my Seroquel (I have my pdoc permission) but I am loathed to do that with the slightly higher Ago dose. The SeroqueI will be putting the breaks on a hypomania. This sluggishness is not okay though. I feel like Seroquel keeps me in depression because I have so much trouble doing all the things that help break depressed moods. This morning I was so relieved when I looked at my diary this morning and it confirmed I had no appointments today. That is not like me. My base personality is interactive. All that said, I have also started on the Lithium without adverse side effects; that would most prolly hold me from hypomania if I lowered the Seroquel a little. Lets face it, I am light years away from hypomania atm. In other news, I broke my desktop computer by trying to reset factor settings. I'm annoyed about that. I've called a computer tech and feel dreadful with having to part with so much money, but my computer is a priority so I will pay the money and suck it up. I'm so fortunate to have my lappy!!! . Gee depression is so overrated.

I love those times when I can just leave mental health and it's management behind for a moment and just enjoy life. I had this for the past two nights and have appreciated it so much. Last night a BBQ and tonight a dinner. I'm so lucky that these people have adopted me in my new city, to which I moved to just a year ago, knowing no one and not being able to work. My pdoc tells me that they obviously enjoy me and I don't have to feel weird about being safe, accepted and being treated with respect. Of course trust isn't my strong point so I'm not rushing in to be best buddies with them but I also reciprocate their friendship and generosity in any way I can. I do find it difficult to socialise but I do it anyway and it is very rewarding. Being on the periphery of this group is one of the nicest, most normal parts of my life. Even in the middle of depressive episodes, we can still make the most of life and be grateful for what we do have .

Oh, I'm totally in love with normal days.......

So what's new in Jade-World?

1. I'm really enjoying Adele's Rolling in the Deep atm http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qb-7jByiRUY

"There's a fire starting in my heart
Reaching a fever pitch, and it's bringing me out the dark
Finally I can see you crystal clear..."

This girl is fed up. Love is blind and her eyes are finally open. She sees the man she loves finally for who he really is. She gave him everything. She believed in him. She risked it all for him. She gave him her heart and soul. She believed he was the one for her, her other half. But, he hurt her. He rejected her love. He didn't appreciate her, walked all over her, and probably thought he could do better. They weren’t really in a relationship. He strung her along and played with her like a toy. He enjoyed the game. He enjoyed the control he had over her. He finally went too far and she is done. But, he left her with scars, reminders of him. She was very much in love with him. She knows they could have had it all. It causes her pain. But the tide is turning, she's not sad anymore. Time and distance is allowing her open up her eyes and see the reality of the “relationship”. She is not bothered if he suffers like he made her suffer. He broke her heart.

"Baby, I have no story to be told
But I've heard one of you
And I'm gonna make your head burn
Think of me in the depths of your despair
Making a home down there
As mine sure won't be shared"

"Throw your soul through every open door
Count your blessings to find what you look for
Turn my sorrow into treasured gold
You pay me back in kind and reap just what you sow"

In the end he didn't just break her heart, he breaks his own heart too. Eventually he will see that they could have had it all, but only after she leaves. And, she won't take him back this time even though they could of had it all. It doesn't matter now. He underestimated her worth and what he had in her. He underestimated how much she loved him and how happy they could have been. He will realise what he has missed out on for himself. He is going to miss her and she doesn’t mind this because of all the pain he has caused her. It's his turn to hurt.

... I like that interpretation much better than the reality “Jade, he just wasn’t into you, suck it up girl”. I love angry woman music lol... Our I mean empowering femal music "I'm a survivor, I'm gunna make it"... "Thanks for making me... Fighter" lol "Hope you feel me running my nails down his back..." hehe

2. I have my boy with me for a special long weekend. He's feeling a lot better in himself and happier about the direction things are taking in his life. There is still a long haul ahead, but any haul when you are heading in the right direction feels much better than meaningless exhaustion.

3. Something significant happened to me today. When I was pregnant with my son my evil sister-in-law spread terrible rumours about me. I protested my innocence but he was believed over me (she was married to the eldest brother, me the youngest of all boys with 20 years between them) and I was disowned by my inlaws solely because of the allegations. I loved my in-laws and I was devastated for many, many years. No matter what my inlaws did to me (and they did some horrific stuff), I didn't retaliate. I stuck to my values no matter how hurt, angry and scared I was (yes even with unmedicated bipolar!). Fast forward 10 years, once my evil sister-in-law had everyone where she wanted them in the family, felt her work was done in terms of control, she had an affair and left my brother-in-law and she is creating absolute hell for him and the family. They are now seeing her true colours. X As I went to pick my son's stuff up today, my most favourite brother in law was at my ex's and he came out to the road where I was parked and embraced me. It was special. No matter what my inlaws did to me (and they did some...

[ Continued ]

that I would be feeling a little better today...

I'm still not stable, but the clouds clearing for just a moment helps soooo much!

I am so interested in getting myself to the best place I can - consistently! I suppose that is about meds; keeping up with the exercise; meditation; staying as engaged with life as possible; focus putting energy into working on the ptsd. (If I manage triggers better, I can make my bipolar more stable).

* Avoid needless conflict
* Manage negative situations
* Try to have a stable sense of self
* See things as they are
* Further develop coping skills
* Asserting myself respectfully and with compassion for others
* Trying to maintain a routine as closely aligned to my values and interests as possible

They are prolly enough focus areas for now.

One foot in front of the other